Bullus Edictus Innocentus XXV11
Fri, Jun 1 2012, 5:27PM
Bullus Edictus: May 2012
My dear friends, His Holiness craves your indulgence a few moments. He asks that you put down your scores, take off your headphones, or stop tangoing so earnestly in the corner. You over there, please put down your G&T.
All yours papa...
Thankyou, my good friend Cardinal Concertino Ripieno.
My dear friends, the musical illuminati. Ahem.There are matters of the gravest import I must address you on, so much so that I have come down from my balcony - well actually we don't have a balcony but no matter, I digress - to speak to you all.
I have become increasingly concerned of late that we, the musically chosen faithful, speak to each other in ways that make Babel look like the Holy City. Not only have we called each other 'bums', 'charlatans' and 'phillistines' in the recent past, we now resort to terms such as 'b*^%$&"s' and 'tosh' to describe each other's discourse. We ridicule and vilify each other, we mock and we scorn, all in the name of music.
I quote to you from Revelation: 'The beast was given a mouth uttering haughty and blasphemous words...'
Is this right, my friends? Consider what the professors in the hallowed haunts of academe would think if they saw us, the musical cognoscenti, stooping to such vile verbiage.
There are those who know not the perils of backpedalling and self-contradiction, and there are those who speak of that terrifying pit of abomination, the Procrustean bed. There are even those who change their identities many times in order to conceal their true natures. But I say to all of you, that the serpent is one, though his guises be many.
'And I saw a beast rising out of the sea, having ten horns and seven heads, and on its horns were ten diadems, and on its heads were blasphemous names'.
(Note that seven heads equals seven names, not ten).
I ask all of you to remember, that there is only one great composer, the greatest of them all...and his name is Mike Batt. This has been decreed. You must pray daily kneeling down on the score of 'underground, overground' wombling free. Did the maestro not know himself that his work was great beyond human claims? Did he need human evaluations of his greatness? Were not the charts adequate proof?
Novelty music is the absolute truth, my friends! You must open your eyes and your ears, that you may become properly educated.
There is no truth beyond the score of my favourite Wombles' songs, and not a single note may be altered. I remind you of these things, my friends, as I shame to acknowledge that we seem to have forgotten them.
'Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them' said William Shakespeare. But what did he know? Greatness is attributed by composers themselves, and then by experts and wise old professors, who have spent their lives studying the score.
I ask you to consider and reflect on my words to you, my dear musical pals. Should I have to speak again, there may well be...consequences. But no more of that. I leave you in good faith. It is Friday night, pizza and wine night, and the Burlesque girls come to perform here at the palace. Besides which the auditors are due next week, and there is the small matter of the bank books to see to.
Yours
Innocentus XXV11
Bull
Fri, Jun 1 2012, 6:28PM
#2
RE: Bullus Edictus Innocentus XXV11
Not only have we called each other 'bums', 'charlatans' and 'phillistines' in the recent past, we now resort to terms such as 'b*^%$&"s' and 'tosh' to describe each other's discourse. We ridicule and vilify each other, we mock and we scorn, all in the name of music. Consider what the professors in the hallowed haunts of academe would think if they saw us, the musical cognoscenti, stooping to such vile verbiage
Innocentus XXV11
Bull
I think you will find the professors refer to each other in far worse terms than you speak. The professors of music would probably be quite amused and quite surprised that classical music can still raise such passions in todays world. He who praises everyone, praises no one (that's not a direct dig at vic) and I don't know who first coined the phrase (Huxley, Orwell, Strummer) but we all need a finely tuned bullshit detector (that's not a direct dig at Parla). Try reading the writings of most pianists, they can be a cruel lot. Brendel when asked to write an article about Horowitz said ' I prefer to deal with realities' and declined. Richter thought Argerich needed to practise more, and Wild thought Brendel was a mediocre pianist at best. However unlike these pianists Hatto built her reputation on the reputation of other pianists, it's a murky world out there in the world of MUSIC. Let us not treat it with kid gloves and too much good intentioned naive respect, it is tougher than that and it can take the truth. Artists can be a base lot in their manners, it is only those who make their living off the backs of artists that choose manners first. Art speaks the truth, the plainer the better.
Fri, Jun 1 2012, 7:12PM
#3
RE: Bullus Edictus Innocentus XXV11
OK. We have to make a decision. Either we make peace alla bull or war alla uber. No half measures! Which is it to be?
Fri, Jun 1 2012, 7:53PM
#4
RE: Bullus Edictus Innocentus XXV11
You probably have a fair point there Uber about the professors. Reminds me when I was at uni in London that the two Shakespeare tutors, both doctors, refused to even speak to each other because of their different views!
Mark
Sun, Jun 3 2012, 11:47AM
#5
RE: Bullus Edictus Innocentus XXV11
My dear friends, may I respectfully remind you all that His Holiness has issued a directive. He has asked me to provide him with an update on progress.
When our leader has uttered the words Bullus Edictus, all I can do is form my hands into a church steeple, and meditate reverently upon the steeple, and hang on His every word. Such is my privilege and my duty, to serve one higher than myself, who has been specially chosen.
This afternoon I must give him my report. Alas I must also present the bank books, and there are some sums I may have to explain in the sundry expenses column. If only Archbishop Fugato had not the taste for the champagne lifestyle! But never mind...I shall distract his attention with a favourable report on the progress of Bullus Edictus so that he will simply sign...
Yours in harmony
Cardinal Concertino Ripieno
Mon, Jun 4 2012, 6:44PM
#6
RE: Bullus Edictus Innocentus XXV11
Thankyou all. His Holiness is most satisfied that progress has already been made, though he did momentarily question 82,000 bottles of Barolo in the sundry expenses column at £14.95 per bottle totalling £1,225,900. He confessed that he 'knew not that our appetite for the beloved Nebbiolo grape was so voracious'. I have suggested that we substitute the cheaper Sangiovese grape, which met with a most solemn incline of the head.
But as I say, thankyou all...the immediate danger appears to have passed...
Your good friend Cardinal Ripieno
Tue, Jun 19 2012, 12:12AM
#7
RE: Bullus Edictus Innocentus XXV11
My dear and loyal brethren, it is with much sadness that I inform you all of the sudden passing of His Holiness Innocentus XXV11 earlier this evening, Monday 18th June in the year of Our Lord 2012.
Requiescat in pace
As is customary in these circumstances, His Eminence Rondo Capriccioso took a simple wooden hammer, and knocked not once, not twice, but thrice upon the sacred skull, and called him by his birthname, to which, alas, there was no response. No sign of life, save for a slight dent upon the holy forehead.
Swapping the wooden hammer for a silver one, His Eminence then destroyed the fisherman's ring upon His Holiness' finger, an ancient custom to prevent forgery of Holy documents, to which we all joined in:
'If I had a hammer
I'd hammer in the morning
I'd hammer in the evening
All over this land
I'd hammer out danger
I'd hammer out a warning
I'd hammer out love between my brothers and my sisters
All over this land'
We then consulted the yellow pages and phoned emalmers-r-us, who advised against such measures. Alas, if you come to visit, you may find the shrunken pallor a teeny bit grey here and there.
The official ceremonies overwith, I must advise all of you that His Holiness was wrecked by terrible visions in His last days, and muttered strange warnings over 'profanity and plagiarism, the twin evil sisters'.
The Holy Father has requested a selction of his favourite music to be played at his funeral, which will be the usual simple 16 hour affair; I'd like to teach the world to sing by The New Seekers, Children of the Revolution by T Rex, Wombling Merry 'Xmas by The Wombles, the Pie Jesu from Faure's Requiem, Offenbach's Can-Can, (one of His particular favourites, especially when accompanied by a dance routine) Beethoven's E Minor Sonata opus 90 and the Scherzo from Bruckner 9. A bit of Shostakovitch here and there wouldn't be a bad thing, he added...
Excuse me while I now attend to the slight problem of black smoke, although as we haven't had the chimney cleaned since the last papal passing, it shouldn't be a problem.
If you will forgive me, the people are waiting...the masses are gathering in the square...the world's media are already here...The storm clouds over succession are gathering...
Yours, in bereavement, Cardinal Ripieno
Wed, Jul 11 2012, 11:19AM
#8
RE: White smoke at last...
Dear friends, the long interregnum is now over, and His Holiness has been laid to rest, as is traditional, inside three coffins - cypress, lead and elm. It was a bit of a weight to load it onto the wagon I have to say.
I am truly sorry for the delay in electing a successor. There have been numerous teething problems here at the palace. For one thing, the key was lost after we locked ourselves in for the solemn ritual of voting, and was not found for several days in fact. Still, at least it has not taken as long as the infamous election of 1268 when after three years no successor had been found, and the locals locked the cardinals in and tore the roof off the building in order to expose our predecessors to the elements in a desperate bid to force a decision. Needless to say a speedy result then ensued.
Please ignore any unseemly press rumours about factions and internal squabbles. This I can assure you has not been the case.
There have also been some minor issues over the voting papers. Only junior cardinals under 80 are eligible to vote, and must disguise their handwriting on the ballot paper Eligo in Summum Pontificem, which must be folded over and held aloft, placed on a plate and then tipped into a chalice and scrupulously counted and checked by the panel of three. The word Eligo is then pierced with a needle, and the counted papers strung on a thread. Alas, several of our members had trouble disguising their writing, or misunderstood and tried to copy other members' handwriting. Some also, due to infirmity, could not readily manage the walking (difficult to walk with your left hand on a zimmer frame and your right hand holding a paper up). All this resulted in a delay of several days.
Anyway, I am honoured to inform you all that we have a successor, namely my good self Cardinal Ripieno. I will henceforth be known as Humblissimus X11.
May the recent outbreak of carey-sharey huggy-handshake global well-wishes continue in this new welcome era of peace. And may the light of musical appreciation and tolerance of opposing viewpoints prevail.
Yours as ever,
Humblissimus X11
At last - a note of sanity of this discussion board!
All hail Mike Batt the Great.