I would like to start by saying that I have not always had trouble with my mental health and until you have experienced it for yourself, you do not understand it. To be honest you still do not understand it fully even when you have experienced it, but it is real, and it is something that we should be open to talking about. 

My story with mental health all began a couple of years ago. I was working on my family farm (where I can be found when not singing) and I had an accident in machinery resulting in a head injury. This head injury gave me a bad concussion and whiplash in my neck and back. Unfortunately, once the NHS had patched me up (quite literally) I was then left to fend for myself, I was not advised on how to cope with a concussion, other than take painkillers and I was never checked up on. Luckily, I did not have any singing engagements for three weeks after the accident. I found myself a physiotherapist as I needed help to find movement in my back and neck. I remember trying to hum for the first time afterwards and it was too painful in my head, feeling like daggers into my brain. I took it slowly and worked my way back to some kind of vocal and physical health.

Three weeks were up, and I travelled over to the Netherlands to perform in several St Matthew and St John Passion concerts. I arrived there on maximum paracetamol and Ibuprofen daily, with light cancelling glasses and a wheat neck pillow for the pain. I managed to perform all these concerts, but at what cost? I put my body and mind through so much strain and little did I know how much I would be paying for that in months to come.

Now skipping on 6 months and I am post-concussion, symptom-free and feeling like myself again. What does that mean? Well, not talking about a headache, backache, neckache, sensitivity to sound and light every day. It must have got tedious for those around me, but I honestly did not know I was doing it. In those six months I had several incredibly positive career opportunities and despite my situation, I found a way to succeed.

Fast forward four months symptom-free and that is where this all took a nosedive for me. I clearly ate something terrible and had bad food poisoning in Florence. To this day I do not know how this correlates, but I believed straightaway that it was connected. I could not shift the idea of ‘do I have a brain injury’, ‘was something missed’? I was back to square one, well I was in minus figures because this was worse. I became overwhelmed with anxiety and then panic attacks and eventually depression. I had never experienced anything like this in my life and I was petrified. What was happening to me? Was my body trying to tell me something? I needed serious help because I could not control my feelings, and it just got worse and worse. Imagine being scared to leave the house, to encounter somebody else, to avoid scenarios that make you feel scared. My world had been flipped upside down. I have always been a very sociable being and this had been ripped away from me in one fell swoop. I had to find a way back, there was no other choice.

Unfortunately, the NHS let me down again. I was on the waiting list for therapy for a year, so I had to find my own solution. I was extremely fortunate to discover BAPAM and was granted 6 sessions of therapy for free with a specialist therapist in performance anxiety and depression. I never stopped performing during this period, but it got a lot harder. Instead of being an open performer I became very closed and protective, unable to really feel free to express myself to the audience. Of course, this is a personal feeling and from the outside probably had no relevance, but I hated it and needed to retake the reigns on my feelings and thoughts again. Easier said than done. I started Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). Basically, this helps to rewire one’s brain, to show that it does not need to be on high alert all the time and that it is not a scenario to be afraid of. Fight or flight. It was a very emotional day for me when I was told 'it’s completely normal, your body is doing its job'. Coming to terms with this was one of, if not the hardest things I have ever done. To find light in what I could only see as darkness. To find my way back to being me, Kieran White. I must send sincere thanks to BAPAM and the Royal Society of Musicians (RSM) for their funding and support for my therapy, it really helped me to regain control and gave me the confidence to accept anxious moments and to believe that they do pass.

The reason I am happy to share this story is because I want to close the page on this chapter. I wish to move forward with the knowledge and the tools I have now acquired to manage these moments of self doubt, anxiety and lack of confidence. If you ever feel this way and need help, it is out there, it might not be immediately obvious, but keep trying until you are heard, because you will be heard by someone. You are not alone, and many performers have moments in their lives where these things overwhelm them, and they feel a real sense of hopelessness. Fight through it because what we do is a gift and the sacrifices that we make must be worth it. I now feel like myself on stage again and have even made my debut with the New York Philharmonic last December. This is only one of many exciting things coming up in my career and I am extremely thankful to my wife for her unwavering support through these difficult years and I look forward to the future and whatever it may hold.