‘Can you spend 3/4 of the year being my full-time-mommy and 1/4 of the year as concert pianist?’ My 8-year-old recently asked me during the lockdown. Hmmm...it’s a tough one. It reminded me of a quote from the film Quartet –‘you love singing, you love your life but you can’t have both’.

Being a musician and a parent both require 100 per cent devotion. Although this world is already filled with talented artists, my son can only have one childhood – I’m at risk of being a half mark parent and half mark musician.

The pandemic has turned my world upside down: from a busy travelling performing artist I’ve had to retreat to the everyday mundane of endless cleaning, cooking and home schooling. It has been tough to adapt to a completely different lifestyle and it took me a while to recover from the grief of losing my tours, concerts, income and the pain of not being able to travel back to my motherland. But please don’t get me wrong, the pandemic also brings some positives, it gives us time to reflect on what we took for granted and how things could be done differently, it has also allowed me to slow down and refocus at what really matters. Spending time with my loved ones has been rewarding in ways I hadn’t expected – I’ve realised that watching close hand the development of our children is a privilege that the pre-Covid world had denied or diminished for many.

Yet the guilt gradually creeps in, music is like the most jealous lover who demands your full attention, and you know you haven’t given the attention they crave. I am not alone in this position: nearly 200 years ago, the child prodigy and one of the most talented concert pianists of that time, Clara Schumann, confessed the shame and doubt she felt about spending time in composition while the expectation for women was only to stay at home to cook, wash and serve men. Clara wrote a piano concerto at the age of 14 but created her last composition in her 30s because she became the sole bread winner, responsible for feeding eight children and caring for a frail husband. I'm so glad times are different now and that women are encouraged to pursue our dreams, but even modern women face lots of pressures, role conflicts and new challenges.

In some ways the pandemic has condensed all the problems and frustrations we already had. What is the cure for musicians who struggle to juggle a work-life balance? I like Facebook COO and mother of four Sheryl Sandburg’s quote: ‘Done is better than perfect’. It provides a quick fix and definitely eases some of the guilt or embarrassment we experience, but it won’t do justice to performance art, which is uncompromising and unforgiving. We artists are always our worst critic as ‘works of art are of an infinite loneliness and with nothing so little to be reached as with criticism’. (Rilke)

So what’s the answer?

Frankly I don’t have one – maybe not seeking the answer is the answer. Maybe being true to ourselves will be a good start; maybe stop pretending we are a Wonder Woman who can ‘have it all’ will help? By admitting our limitations and embracing the imperfect reality, we might find the strength to get something, no matter how small, done. And taking those small victories will help us find new wisdom and balance.

Being more open and less judgmental, of ourselves and of others, takes courage, empathy and patience. One of the important lessons I learned from this period is that what you ignore will come back to revenge you one day, whether it is the environment, our health, or relationships. So no matter what is making you frustrated or guilty now, we can’t look away, we have to take action and start investing in the things we care about.

Where do we start? From exactly where we are – we just need to take that small step in front of us.

Di Xiao has been hailed as 'a pianist of awesome gifts' and was once named among the ten most outstanding young Chinese pianists by International Piano Magazine. The piano has taken her from the post Cultural Revolution backstreets of southern China to the world stage where she has performed in over 20 countries and many of the world's most prestigious venues. A performer, educator, writer and director of the Birmingham International Music Academy, she aspires to create a bridge between Chinese and European cultures. Di takes her role as cultural ambassador very seriously and is passionate about giving female artists a voice. dixiao.co.uk